Muddled

Maybe this will all make more sense if I just type and type and do not stop until I have run out of things to say and do not use punctuation no matter how much it pains me not to will that make things better or will it not I do not know oh my God I stopped typing for a second and looked to the left not good not good at all I am scared I am scared and worried and I do not feel particuarly pretty maybe that is why I tan so much or maybe I tan because I secretly want malanoma but either way I am not one of those disgusting leathery tarts that will look fifty by the time they are twenty five gotta love the spf holy hell this makes no sense what was the point of this in the first place right being scared and insecure and all of that I do not know what I am going to do in the future but I do feel more confident about it until everybody that matters seems to be telling me that I should try something else when I haven't even started trying this I want to paint I want to write I want to take pictures again and maybe I will be able to at Sammy's birthday party today which is in what maybe four hours oh wait no less anyway it means birthday cake I could use some of that I want to finish those letters that I was working on because I know that I have something amazing there I know deep down inside that if I got my shit straight and worked on them properly they would be amazing and each one would evoke a different emotion and everybody would think I was so clever for thinking of it I don't want to research and see if it has been done before because it seemed like such an original idea and I know that if somebody did it before me I would feel slightly discouraged I do not want to compare it to anything and then I want to work at getting it published I should work on that other story too the one that I was so intent on finishing but sort of puttered out once I reached a certain point he would want me to finish it sigh I love him I realize more and more each and every day that I am crazy about him and I hate this distance because it just hurts so much and seems never-ending because seriously speaking when am I going to see him next HEY YOU WHEN AM I GOING TO SEE YOU I MISS YOU COME HOME sigh summer winter which one I do not know I just know that I don't want to end up stuck here where I will not be able to see you or look into your eyes and oh my God think about this how am I going to get credit for my phone to call you whenever I want I want it will just make things so much more difficult I don't want to go I do but I don't I know it is what is best for them but I also know it is not best for me being with you is what is best for me and when did "he" turn into "you" oh I see where it was where I started yelling at you yeah that seems about right I just wish this next year could zoom past and I wish you could see what I do here how it isn't nothing and I wish I could just wake up and you would be here and we could start finally start and things would be amazing sure we will fight sure we will argue but we will do it together and that is what matters.

Kthx. <3